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I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT!
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MAY 2008
I was going I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? - Ronnie Shakes
Albert Camus won the Nobel Prize for his novel The Stranger, which says, in effect, that life is meaningless. But that novel’s dust jacket carried a paragraph reporting that Camus died in a car wreck in 1960. It should have added, “Not that it matters.” - Dexter Madison
When one’s own problems are unsolvable and all best efforts frustrated, it is lifesaving to listen to other people’s problems. - Suzanne Massie
Pessimists are usually kind. The gay, bubbling over, have no time for the pitiful. - Sean O’Faolain
A mere trifle consoles us, for a mere trifle distresses us. - Pascal
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it is possible you haven’t grasped the gravity of the situation. - Jean Kerr
There’s light at the end of the tunnel. And it’s a train. - Margaret Smith
Yes, success is everything. Failure is more common. Most achieve a sort of middling thing, but fortunately one’s
situation is always blurred, you never know absolutely quite where you are. - Donald BarthelmeLet a man in a garret but burn with enough intensity and he will set fire to the world. - Saint-Exupéry
Men are convinced of your arguments, your sincerity, and the seriousness of your efforts only by your death. - Albert CamusDo you ever try to move your clock ahead an hour, but it’s a digital clock, so you press the little button, and it starts going ahead slowly, taking forever. So you decide to hold the button down and see what happens, and it goes like a million miles an hour into the future? It’s like Planet of the Apes, all of a sudden it’s the year 2504, and everyone you know is dead. - Jay Leno
Modern man, if he dared to be articulate about his concept of heaven, would describe a vision which would look like the biggest department store in the world, showing new things and gadgets, and himself having plenty of money with which to buy them. - Erich Fromm
Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell. - Tom Robbins
The older I get the more sleazy everything seems. - Mark Farrell
You know you’re old when you notice how young the derelicts are getting. - Jeanne Phillips
How beautifully the leaves grow old. How full of light and colour are their last days. - John Burroughs
Joy and sorrow, beauty and deformity, equally pass away - Sa’di Gulistan
APRIL 2008
Space flights are merely an escape, a fleeing away from oneself, because it is easier to go to Mars or to the moon than it is to penetrate one’s own being. - Carl Jung
Children love to be alone because alone is where they know themselves, and where they dream. - Roger Rosenblatt
Talents are best nurtured in solitude; character is best formed in the stormy billows of the world. - Goethe
When the oak is felled the whole forest echoes with its fall, but a hundred acorns are sown in silence by an unnoticed breeze - Thomas Carlyle
You may live a long while with some people, and be on friendly terms with them, and never once speak openly with them from your soul. - Ivan Turgenev
When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance. - Anatole Broyard
Words may be false and full of art. Sighs are the natural language of the heart. - Thomas Shadwell
A deep distress hath humanised my Soul. - William Wordsworth
Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind. - Marcel Proust
Who never ate his bread in sorrow, who never sat through the sorrowful nights weeping on his bed, he knows you not, you heavenly Powers. - Goethe
Where there is sorrow there is holy ground. - Oscar Wilde
For the only therapy is life. The patient must learn to live, to live with his split, his conflict, his ambivalence, which no therapy can take away, for if it could, it would take away with it the actual spring of life. - Otto Rank
Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. - Bertrand Russell
To be rooted is perhaps the most important and least recognized need of the human soul. - Simon Weil
He whose wisdom exceeds his works, to what may he be likened? To a tree whose branches are numerous but whose roots are few. The wind comes along and uproots it and sweeps it down. - Talmud
Though a tree grow ever so high, the falling leaves return to the root. - Malay proverb
It is the timber of poetry that wears most surely, and there is no timber that has not strong roots among the clay and worms. - John Synge
The giant oak is an acorn that held its ground. - Anonymous
Faith sees a beautiful blossom in a bulb, a lovely garden in a seed, and a giant oak in an acorn. - William Arthur Ward
Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence. - Hal Borland
Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the thing you have to do, when it ought to be done, whether you like it or not; it is the first lesson that ought to be learned, and however early a man’s training begins, it is probably the last lesson that he learns thoroughly. - Thomas Huxley
Among those whom I like, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. - W. H. Auden
I cannot forgive my friends for dying: I do not find these vanishing acts of theirs at all amusing. - Logan Pearsall Smith
MARCH 2008
Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn’t mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar. - Edward R. Murrow
I’m astounded by people who want to “know” the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. - Woody Allen
Half the world does not know how the other half lives, but is trying to find out. - Edgar W. Howe
Something happens when a man reaches a certain age, that The News becomes the most important thing in his life. All fathers think one day they’re going to get a call from the State Department. “Listen, we’ve completely lost track of the situation in the Middle East. You’ve been watching the news. What do you think we should do about it?” - Jerry Seinfeld
“As information doubles, knowledge halves and wisdom quarters.” - Robert Theobald
Education is the inculcation of the incomprehensible into the ignorant by the incompetent. - Josiah Stamp
The really important things are said over cocktails and are never done. - Peter Drucker
Big ideas are so hard to recognize, so fragile, so easy to kill. Don’t forget that, all of you who don’t have them. - John Elliott Jr.
A “new thinker,” when studied closely, is merely a man who does not know what other people have thought. - F.M.Colby
Every man with an idea has at least two or three followers. - Brooks Atkinson
Originality is the art of concealing your sources. - Unknown
I never lecture; not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don’t want to meet them. - H.L. Mencken
Character is that which can do without success. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I cannot afford to waste my time making money. - Louis Agassiz, Letter refusing lecture course offerMy great mistake, the fault for which I can’t forgive myself, is that one day I ceased my obstinate pursuit of my own individuality. - Oscar Wilde
Integrity simply means a willingness not to violate one’s identity - Erich Fromm
Once you say you’re going to settle for second, that’s what happens to you in life, I find. - John F. Kennedy
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. - Cyril Connolly
I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for truth; and truth rewarded me. - Sylvia Ashton-Warner
The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. - Charles Du Bos
Maturity consists of no longer being taken in by oneself. - Kajetan von Schlaggenberg
Time goes by: reputation increases, ability declines. - Dag Hammarskjöld
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. - Joe Theibert
If you live long enough the venerability factor creeps in; you get accused of things you never did and praised for virtues you never had. - I.F. Stone
I am not at all the sort of person you and I took me for. - Jane Carlyle, Letter to Thomas
Nobody objects to a woman being a good writer or sculptor or geneticist if at the same time she manages to be a good wife, good mother, good looking, good tempered, well groomed and unaggressive.- Leslie M. McIntyre
Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God. - Karl Barth
FEBRUARY 2008
That man is an aggressive creature will hardly be disputed. With the exception of certain rodents, no other vertebrate habitually destroys members of its own species. - Anthony Storr
It’s going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it. - Kin Hubbard
Yea, though I should walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, because I am the meanest son-of-a-bitch in the valley. - Gene M. Nordby
The art of living is more like that of wrestling than of dancing. The main thing is to stand firm and be ready for an unforeseen attack. - Marcus Aurelius
Stoop and you’ll be stepped on; stand tall and you’ll be shot at. - Carlos A. UrbizoWe used to drive by the homeless and wonder what we could do to help. Now we say, “Lock the door.” I think most people would rather help them. But these days you can’t even suggest it. You’re driving by a homeless guy and say, “Should we pick the guy up?” “No, he could get up if he wanted to.” “But he’s only got one leg.” “Well, he shouldn’t have fallen down then, should he?” - Louie Anderson
If you want to understand democracy, spend less time in the library with Plato, and more time in the buses with people. - Simeon Strunsky
Democracy means people of all races, creeds, and colors working hard so they can afford to move away from people of all races, creeds, and colors. - Johnny Carson
To avoid lunatics on buses, sit in the middle of the bus. The friendly lunatics sit as close to the driver as they can, and the unfriendly ones sit as far away as they can. - Keith Allan Hunter
Oklahoma State University’s oldest graduate, sixty-two-year-old Steven Baker Little, formerly alcoholic and homeless, earned a degree in English. Ironically, in today’s job market, an English degree best qualifies a person to become an alcoholic homeless man. - Jimmy Fallon
The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism. - Norman Brenner
An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. - Dylan Thomas
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. - Steven Wright
If you are not too long, I will wait for you all my life. - Oscar Wilde
Extreme hopes are born of extreme misery. - Bertrand Russell
It is a curious thing that every creed promises a paradise which will be absolutely uninhabitable for anyone of civilised taste. - Evelyn Waugh
No matter what your religion, you should try to become a government program, for then you will have everlasting life. - Lynn Martin
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen
Looks fade, but humor is forever - I’ll take Woody Allen over Warren Beatty any day. - Bette Midler
Scientists have discovered that a man can be frozen in a state of suspended animation for up to five years without losing his job at the post office. - Kevin Nealon
Saw a guy with a sign that said, WHERE WILL YOU SPEND ETERNITY? Which freaked me out, because I was on my way to the Motor Vehicle Agency. - Arj Barker
The longer you stay in one place, the greater your chances of disillusionment. - Art Spander
JANUARY 2008The mouse is an animal which, killed in sufficient numbers under carefully controlled conditions, will produce a Ph.D. thesis. - Journal of Irreproducible Results
It takes forty dumb animals to make a fur coat, but only one to wear it. - Bryn Jones
You know, I saw the movie Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and I didn’t see any tigers or dragons. Then I realized, it’s because they’re crouching and hidden. - Steve Martin
You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs. But by standing a flock of sheep in that position you can make a crowd of men. - Sir Max Beerbohm
Sir, a woman preaching is like a dog walking on its hind legs. You don’t expect it to be done well – you are surprised to find it done at all. - Samuel Johnson
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton
What if God’s a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I’ll never know why. - Adam Ferrara
The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. - Mme de Sevigne
Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you. - Missy Dizick
Wits have one thing in common with bores: they recognize at sight and avoid one another, fearing competition. - Hesketh Pearson
When you’re bored with yourself, marry and be bored with someone else. - David Pryce-Jones
Zsa Zsa Gabor has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. - Henny Youngman
The man who has cured himself of B.O. and halitosis, has learned French to surprise the waiter, and the saxophone to amuse the company, may find that people still avoid him because they do not like him. - Heywood Brown
No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you will see why. - Mignon McLaughlin
My sister’s got asthma. In the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call. The guy said, ‘Did I call you or did you call me?” - John Mendoza
You know what’s fun to do? Rent an adult movie, take it home, record over it with The Wizard of Oz, then return it so the next guy that rents it is thinking, “When is this Dorothy chick going to get naked?” - Mark Pitta
Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified performance. - Helen Sawrenson
My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. - W. Somerset Maugham
Is there anyone out there I haven’t offended? - Mort Sahl
We wouldn’t worry so much about what people thought of us if we knew how seldom they did. - William Lampton
Literature is strewn with the wreckage of men who have minded beyond reason the opinions of others. - Virginia Woolf
In judging others, folks will work overtime for no pay. - Charles Edwin Carruthers
Every effect that one produces gives one an enemy. To be popular one must be a mediocrity. - Oscar Wilde
Certain defects are necessary for the existence of individuality. - Goethe
DECEMBER 2007
The cosmos is a gigantic fly-wheel making ten thousand revolutions a minute. Man is a sick fly taking a dizzy ride on it. Religion is the theory that the wheel was designed and set spinning to give him the ride. - H.L. Mencken
The essence of being human is that, in the brief moment we exist on this spinning planet, we can love some persons and some things, in spite of the fact that time and death will ultimately claim us all. - Rollo May
The golden years of my life are slipping by on stealthy feet at nightfall; there is a footprint in the dark, a bell strikes twelve, and the flying year is gone. - Thomas Wolfe
Are poets imaginative people? Yes, they imagine people like listening to their poems. Is there a lot of money in poetry? Yes. But first you must be completely dead. - Paul Alexander
Who shall measure the heat and violence of the poet’s heart when caught and tangled in a woman’s body? - Virginia Woolf
Life is a sexually transmitted disease - and the mortality rate is 100 percent. - R.D. Laing
A taste for drawing-rooms has spoiled more poets than ever did a taste for gutters. - Thomas Beer
Don’t accept rides from strange men – and remember that all men are as strange as hell. - Robin Morgan
Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. - Bible, Hebrews
The sexes are so different. Women go out and say, “Before I go to bed with a man, I want to know who he is as a person.” Guys are thinking, “Let’s get them in bed before they find out who we are.” - Tony Stone
Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide a grin. - F.M. Colby
A good man often appears gauche simply because he does not take advantage of the myriad mean little chances of making himself look stylish. Preferring truth to form, he is not constantly at work upon the facade of his appearance. - Iris Murdoch
Sears Toughskins – reversible, polyester, ugly pants. Your knees will wear out before the pants do. - Tim Allen
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. - Dave Barry
You might be a redneck if breakfast every morning is interrupted by someone asking, “Anybody seen my teeth?” - Jeff Foxworthy
The dentist told me I grind my teeth at night, so now before I go to sleep I fill my mouth with hot water and coffee beans and set my alarm for 7:30. - Jeff Marder
People who insist on telling their dreams are among the terrors of the breakfast table. - Max Beerbohm
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives. - William Dement
The mind that finds its way to wild places is the poet’s; but the mind that never finds its way back is the lunatics’s. - G.K. Chesterton
When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us we’re schizophrenic. - Lily Tomlin.
Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked me in a room to die. Die? I don’t want to die. All the mice will get me. Mice? I hate mice. They drive me crazy. Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked.... - Tom Wright
NOVEMBER 2007The atom bombs are piling up in the factories, the police are prowling through the cities, the lies are streaming from the loudspeakers, but the earth is still going round the sun. - George Orwell
As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then to get my own apartment. - Jay Leno
Hell is paved with Good Samaritans. - William M. Holden
A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject. - Sir Winston Churchill
Mere human beings cannot afford to be fanatical about anything. Not even about justice or loyalty. The fanatic for justice ends by murdering a million helpless people to clear a space for his law courts. If we are to survive on this planet there must be compromises. - Storm Jameson
Fortunately for themselves and the world, nearly all men are cowards and dare not act on what they believe. Nearly all our disasters come of a few fools having the ‘courage of their conviction.’ - Coventry Patmore (1823-1896) English poet
Sometimes a fool makes a good suggestion. - Nicolas Boileau-Despreaux (1636-1722) French poet, critic
I was probably the only revolutionary ever referred to as “cute.” - Abbie Hoffman
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time. - George Bernard Shaw
Those who believe that they are exclusively in the right are generally those who achieve something. - Aldous Huxley
The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can’t be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. - Elbert Hubbard
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit. - Unknown
If you want to make enemies, try to change something. - Woodrow Wilson
Tell the truth and run. -Yugoslavian proverb
Most women set out to try to change a man – and when they have changed him, they do not like him. - Marlene Dietrich
I deserve someone who likes me for who I am ... pretending to be. - Arj Barker
One should never know too precisely whom one has married. - Nietzsche
The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 a.m. - Charles Pierce
Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Ouch! That felt good! - Karen Elizabeth Gordon
What a dog I’ve got; his favorite bone is my arm. - Rodney Dangerfield
My homeboy Tito was always trying to get me to join a gang. Tito, with two black eyes, arm in a sling, and crutches, saying, “Hey Willie, why don’t you join the gang - you get protection!” - Willie Barcena
Never raise a hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons
OCTOBER 2007To be alive at all involves some risk. - Harold MacMillan
I’m opening a pair of underwear the other day and a little piece of paper falls out right on the floor. I pick it up. “Inspected by Mary Lou.” Well thank god, I thought, That last pair burst into flames. Now that Mary Lou’s on the job, I can walk around safe in my underwear. - Margaret Smith
DC Comics is reviving Superman’s old outfit. I never understood Superman’s clothes. We all got used to the fact that he wears his underpants over the leotard. But why do his underpants have a belt on them? - Jay Leno
You might be a redneck if you open beer bottles with your belt buckle. - Jeff Foxworthy
Most men wear their belts low here, there being so many outstanding bellies, some big enough to have names of their own and be formally introduced. - Garrison Keillor
Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places. - Glenn Dorenbush
You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but 14 years later you’re married to a couch that burps. - Roseanne
There are people who are beautiful in dilapidation, like old houses that were hideous when new. - Loan Pearsall Smith
Men are never so serious, thoughtful, and intent, as when they are at stool. - Jonathan Swift
On her wedding day, a Masai tribes-woman symbolizes her low status by putting dung on her head. American women may have to put up with a lot of bullshit, but at least we don’t have to wear it. - Jackie Wollner
Our order is taken ... by a waitress wearing a cowboy hat, a miniskirt, a fringed vest, boots and red garters. ‘The key to a successful restaurant,’ O’Donoghue says, ‘is dressing girls in degrading clothes.’ - Michael O’Donoghue, quoted by Paul Slansky in PlayboyI once wanted to save the world - now I just want to leave the room with some dignity. -Lotus Weinstock
Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid. - Hedy Lamarr
If her lips are on fire and she trembles in your arms, forget her. She’s got malaria. - Jackie Kannon
I actually learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs. And it was good. Go ahead and laugh. I think the most important thing I learned was: never let go of the girl’s leg no matter how hard she tries to shake you off. - Steve Martin
My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. - Henny Youngman
Death is not the end; there remains the litigation. - Ambrose Bierce
Blame someone else and get on with your life. - Alan Woods
To die completely, a person must not only forget but be forgotten, and he who is not forgotten is not dead. - Samuel Butler
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. - Earl Wilson
While other people’s deaths are deeply sad, one’s own is surely a bit of a joke - James Cameron
I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. - Woody Allen
SEPTEMBER 2007Nothing so soothes our vanity as a display of greater vanity in others; it makes us vain, in fact, of our modesty. - Louis Kronenberger
The passion for setting people right is in itself an afflictive disease. - Marianne Moore
When they come downstairs from their Ivory Towers, idealists are very apt to walk straight into the gutter. - Logan Pearsall Smith
The true portrait of a man is a fusion of what he thinks he is, what others think he is, what he really is and what he tries to be. - Dore Schary
For all right judgment of any man or things it is useful, nay, essential, to see his good qualities before pronouncing on his bad. - Thomas Carlyle
It is well, when one is judging a friend, to remember that he is judging you with the same godlike and superior impartiality. - Arnold Bennett
The closest anyone ever comes to perfection is on a job application form. - Unknown
It is through art, and through art only, that we can realise our perfection. - Oscar Wilde
We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next door neighbour. - Gilbert K. Chesterton
It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love one’s neighbor. - Eric Hoffer
Sometimes a neighbor whom we have disliked a lifetime for his arrogance and conceit lets fall a single commonplace remark that shows us another side, another man, really; a man uncertain, and puzzled, and in the dark like ourselves. - Willa Cather
A chief event of life is the day in which we have encountered a mind that startled us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The only means of strengthening one’s intelligence is to make up one’s mind about nothing – to let the mind be a thoroughfare for all thoughts. - John Keats
The greatest minds, as they are capable of the highest excellencies, are open likewise to the greatest aberrations. - Rene Descartes
Art is long, life short; judgment difficult, opportunity fleeting. - Goethe
JULY 2007Why do men seek honour? Surely in order to confirm the favourable opinion they have formed of themselves. - Aristotle
Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself. - Jane Wagner
In order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to lie and cheat. - Robert Byrne
An ounce of pretention is worth a pound of manure. - Steven E. Clark
Women fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. - Sharon Stone
I figure the only time I really need a man is about once a month, when it’s time to flip my mattress. - Pamela Yager
The man who waits for the woman to make the first move is the man of his dreams. -Robert Byrne
To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep. - Joan Klempner
His voice was as intimate as the rustle of sheets. - Dorothy Parker
Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That’s why you should never date a baseball player. - Marsha Warfield
On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing. - Lewis Grizzard
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever been arrested for relieving yourself in an ice machine. - Jeff Foxworthy
Never accept a drink from a urologist. - Erma Bombeck’s father
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. - Anthony Burgess
Droll thing life is - that mysterious arrangement of merciless logic for a futile purpose. The most you can hope from it is some knowledge of yourself - that comes too late - a crop of unextinguishable regrets. - Joseph Conrad
Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself. - Joan Didion
The meaning of life is that it stops. - Franz Kafka
JUNE 2007Character - the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life - is the source from which self-respect springs. - Joan Didion
Man must cease attributing his problems to his environment, and learn again to exercise his will - his personal responsibility. - Albert Schweitzer
We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until we move from the passive voice to the active voice - that is, until we have stopped saying ‘It got lost,’ and say, ‘I lost it.’ - Sydney Harris (b. 1917)
American JournalistI was at a friend’s house and his dog took a dump on the rug. My friend turned to the dog and said, “Did you do that?” I felt bad for the dog. So I said, “No, I did it.” So he hit me with a newspaper. - John Mendoza
I don’t understand why everyone says dogs are man’s best friend. Do you really want a best friend who licks his butt before he kisses you? - Vicki Larson
Swallow a toad in the morning if you want to encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day. - Nicolas Chamfort
My mom always said men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for 30 years. - Brett Butler
I’ve married a few people I shouldn’t have, but haven’t we all? - Mamie Van Doren
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other. - Ann Landers
I’ve given up reading books. I find it takes my mind off myself. - Oscar Levant
The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people. - Lucille S. Harper
Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. - Ogden Nash
A child-like man is not a man whose development has been arrested; on the contrary, he is a man who has given himself a chance of continuing to develop long after most adults have muffled themselves in the cocoon of middle-aged habit and convention. - Aldous Huxley
When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year and a half. - Gracie Allen
MAY 2007If you’re already in a hole, it’s no use to continue digging. - Roy W. Walters
I can’t believe we still have the Miss America pageant. This is America! Where we’re not supposed to judge
people based on how they look; we’re supposed to judge people based on how much money they make. - Heidi JoyceI find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have bread. - Mitch Hedberg
Men look at me and think I’m going to walk on their backs or something. The only time I’ll walk on your back is if there’s something on the other side of you I want. - Margaret Cho
I told my mother that I was thinking about seeing a therapist. She thought that was a good idea because she heard they made a lot of money. - Darlene Hunt
Fifty something million dollars for a Van Gogh. You know, if there is an afterlife, and if Vincent is up there watching, he’s chopping off the other ear, going “Son of a bitch! When I was alive I couldn’t sell dick!” - Paul Rodriguez
Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing. - Oscar Wilde
I am heavily in debt. Right now my goal in life is to be just broke. I wanna get back to zero. Someday, I’m gonna have nothing. I’ll leave it to my kids. “See this? None of this is all yours.” - Tom Ryan
If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important. If I were a medical man, I should prescribe a holiday to any patient who considered his work important. - Bertrand Russell
I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise. - Jerry Seinfeld
You can’t believe how much hard work it is to con people into thinking that you’re productive and busy. Always thinking up things to tell them you’re going to do tomorrow, having to exaggerate every minute of your nowhere day . . . it’s worse than having a job. At least when you’re employed, when people ask about your day you can tell them to shut up and mind their own business. - Drew Carey
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell. - George Bernard Shaw
APRIL 2007If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
Do unto the other feller the way he’s like to do unto you an’ do it fust. - Edward Noyes Westcott
When you are getting kicked from the rear it means you’re in front. - Fulton Sheen
Men seem to kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat it as glass and it goes to pieces. -Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness. - Vladmir Nabokov
Millons who long for immortality don’t know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - Susan Ertz
Death never takes the wise man by surprise, he is always ready to go. - Jean de la Fontaine
Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead. - Robert Lynd
The hour of departure has arrived, and we go our ways - I to die and you to live. Which is the better, only God knows. -Socrates
MARCH 2007Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. - Linda Festa
I don’t get no respect. I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette. - Rodney Dangerfield
It’s better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. - Marty Winch
The other day I heard a commercial where some nincompoop says, “I’ve got three speeding tickets, two auto accidents, and one DUI. What I need is affordable auto insurance.” I’m thinking, “No, what you need is to ride the bus.” - Kelly
The bus scares me. Way too many gross people on the bus. Sixty-five people on the bus and I was the last one on. I felt like calling Unsolved Mysteries. “Yeah, I found everybody.” - Kathleen Madigan
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. -Bob Rubin
Crossing the street in New York keeps old people young - if they make it. - Andy Rooney
The roads of life are strewn with the wreckage of run-down and half-finished lovers. - Ralph Sockman
Don’t touch a woman’s knee at the dinner table; she has an instinctive knowledge whether a man who touches her knee is caressing her or only wiping his greasy fingers on her stocking. - George Moore
I don’t remember names – I remember faces. You should be introduced by the face. Whatever it is you remember about that person. “Big Nose, Short Pants, come here a second. This is my friend, Hawaiian Shirt, Bad Haircut, Broken Glasses, Food-Stuck-in-His Teeth.” Whatever you remember. - Paul ReiserI don’t remember anybody’s name. How do you think the “dahling” thing got started? - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Don’t worry about senility,” my grandfather used to say. “When it hits you, you won’t know it.” - Bill CosbyI’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget. - Michael McShane
One of the most astounding cases of clairvoyance is that of the noted Greek Psychic Achilles Loudos, Loudos realized that he had unusual powers by the age of ten, when he could lie in bed and, by concentrating, make his father’s false teeth jump out of his mouth. - Woody Allen
I never had a sense of humor. What started me in a theatrical direction was finding at a very early age that I had a talent. I could impersonate chickens. Buk Buk Buk Bacagh. - Jonathan Miller
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever removed a wart with a firearm. - Jeff Foxworthy
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. - George Bernard Shaw
FEBRUARY 2007A man in love mistakes a pimple for a dimple. - Japanese proverb
A woman’s most erogenous zone is her mind. - Raquel Welch
I like young girls. Their stories are shorter. - Tom McGuane
My father told me all about the birds and the bees. The liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. - Bob Hope
I have trouble telling women my feelings. I think it goes back to the first time I told my mom I loved her. I said, “I love you, Mommy.” And she said, “Slow down, I’m not ready for that kind of commitment. You’re going way too fast.” - Mike Rubin
Nobody loves me like my mother, and she could be jivin’ too. - B.B. King
I keep seeing commercials on how to get your dream job. ‘Call now for information on your dream job.’ Wow! Finally, a chocolate factory run by blonde women! Count me in! - Dave Attell
I used to have a job in the Kotex factory. I thought I was making mattresses for mice. - Ray Scott
I found the ideal girl. Her father is a bookmaker and her brother owns a liquor store. - Joe E. Lewis
A hooker told me she’d do anything I wanted for fifty bucks. I said, “Paint my house.” - Henny Youngman
I once got a job at a ladies’ shoe store for three bucks an hour. My plan was that chicks would be there. High heels, short skirts. But if you ever have a choice between selling shoes to young ladies or giving birth to a porcupine on fire, take my advice and look into that second, less painful opportunity. - Richard JeniSHOE SALESMAN: Don’t worry about the shoes. They’ll stretch. WOMAN: Then don’t worry about the check. It’ll bounce. - Rita Rudner
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. - George Carlin
There was a young lady of Twickenham / Whose shoes were too tight to walk quickin ‘em. / She came back from a walk / Looking whiter than chalk /And took ’em both off and was sick in ‘em. - Oliver Herford
You might be a redneck if you actually wear shoes your dog brought home. - Jeff Foxworthy
Women don’t need conventional tools, we’ll use anything that’s handy. But when pounding a nail, don’t use a shoe – shoes cost $40 a pair. A package of frozen hamburger costs $2. Use the hamburger. - Jeannie Dietz
Life is just like a new pair of shoes, at first you don’t get used to it then later it becomes a part of you. - Janis Vidal
Every day brings a chance for you to draw in a breath, kick off your shoes, and dance. - Oprah Winfrey